What If...?

Well, friends it has been a long time. In fact, I don’t even know how long it has been. Let’s just say, my mind hasn’t even contemplated writing. I guess this is normal when dealing with a loss.

You (or perhaps just me) replay events in your life that have led you up to your current situation, or the loss situation, over and over thinking about all the “what if”’s. Then you find yourself in a constant state of depression thinking that it was just one big “what if” that led to the loss. Thinking that if I had just made the other choice I would’ve been happier. Alas, another major “what if” rears it’s hideous head and the process starts all over... and so on... and so on.

Then one day you wake up, and it doesn’t hurt as much...

...or at all.

Sure memories are fond, and this makes me miss the person(s) that I made these memories with... but like I told a very special girl a long time ago when we sat in my car saying good-bye. I was heading back to Thee College in the West (we be slinga da ink) and leaving her back in the cornfields of Indiana (man, I miss those fields; rice patties just ain’t the same). She was crying and I wasn’t, but that was no indication of how much I was going to miss this girl (it’s been over five years, I still miss her). I left her with this:

“Two weeks ago, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying about my leaving. Let’s sit back and appreciate the fact that these last two weeks have been absolutely amazing. That we have gotten to know and appreciate each other so much that the idea of being apart hurts.

“Let’s focus on the fact that we both care about each other and wish to spend more time together.”

Okay, bad example. What I’m really trying to say is just appreciate the fact that at one time you cared so much about someone else that no matter the end result... the memories that remain are so fond that when they do reappear in the movie theatre that is your mind.... One cannot help but pause, smile, and perhaps even offer up a little prayer for that person... wherever in the world they may presently be.

And whatever happened to said Hoosier Hottie? I honestly wish I could tell you. There was a major “what if”... and I chose the wrong side of that coin. She rightly deposited my ass in the “not worth it” file. Damn, she was a good one.

Back to my original thought. As there two sides to every coin, so there are other’s choices that have also had a factor into the choices that you have made.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not making excuses for the choices that I have made in the past that at one time I and/or others have considered the “bad” choice (and for the most part, I still do). What I am saying is this.... There were reasons why the “bad” choice appeared attractive; and more often than not, it isn’t just you that helped make those choices so luscious.

What am I trying to say here....?

Don’t beat yourself up.
You are you for a reason.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You also are human.
You live in an imperfect world.

Rejoice in the fact that one day we won’t have to deal with all this bullshit. Don’t forget, it’s mostly (not completely) bullshit.

No matter how much it hurts, know this:

Time is the most wonderful healer. God is the master timekeeper.

Follow that logic on your own.

“It isn’t the fact that you say ‘I love you’ to someone.... It’s what you do to the ones you say you love that matter.”

p.s. It feels good to be writing again.