What If...?

Well, friends it has been a long time. In fact, I don’t even know how long it has been. Let’s just say, my mind hasn’t even contemplated writing. I guess this is normal when dealing with a loss.

You (or perhaps just me) replay events in your life that have led you up to your current situation, or the loss situation, over and over thinking about all the “what if”’s. Then you find yourself in a constant state of depression thinking that it was just one big “what if” that led to the loss. Thinking that if I had just made the other choice I would’ve been happier. Alas, another major “what if” rears it’s hideous head and the process starts all over... and so on... and so on.

Then one day you wake up, and it doesn’t hurt as much...

...or at all.

Sure memories are fond, and this makes me miss the person(s) that I made these memories with... but like I told a very special girl a long time ago when we sat in my car saying good-bye. I was heading back to Thee College in the West (we be slinga da ink) and leaving her back in the cornfields of Indiana (man, I miss those fields; rice patties just ain’t the same). She was crying and I wasn’t, but that was no indication of how much I was going to miss this girl (it’s been over five years, I still miss her). I left her with this:

“Two weeks ago, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying about my leaving. Let’s sit back and appreciate the fact that these last two weeks have been absolutely amazing. That we have gotten to know and appreciate each other so much that the idea of being apart hurts.

“Let’s focus on the fact that we both care about each other and wish to spend more time together.”

Okay, bad example. What I’m really trying to say is just appreciate the fact that at one time you cared so much about someone else that no matter the end result... the memories that remain are so fond that when they do reappear in the movie theatre that is your mind.... One cannot help but pause, smile, and perhaps even offer up a little prayer for that person... wherever in the world they may presently be.

And whatever happened to said Hoosier Hottie? I honestly wish I could tell you. There was a major “what if”... and I chose the wrong side of that coin. She rightly deposited my ass in the “not worth it” file. Damn, she was a good one.

Back to my original thought. As there two sides to every coin, so there are other’s choices that have also had a factor into the choices that you have made.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not making excuses for the choices that I have made in the past that at one time I and/or others have considered the “bad” choice (and for the most part, I still do). What I am saying is this.... There were reasons why the “bad” choice appeared attractive; and more often than not, it isn’t just you that helped make those choices so luscious.

What am I trying to say here....?

Don’t beat yourself up.
You are you for a reason.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You also are human.
You live in an imperfect world.

Rejoice in the fact that one day we won’t have to deal with all this bullshit. Don’t forget, it’s mostly (not completely) bullshit.

No matter how much it hurts, know this:

Time is the most wonderful healer. God is the master timekeeper.

Follow that logic on your own.

“It isn’t the fact that you say ‘I love you’ to someone.... It’s what you do to the ones you say you love that matter.”

p.s. It feels good to be writing again.

127 Days

I sit here in the same lobby where 127 days ago I wrote you my first note from Taipei. I leave for the Land of the Free and the Home of the D-Hack in just over 31 hours.

A lot has changed.

I have lost nine pounds and it seems almost as many inches around my waist. The funny thing, I have not lost much in the gym and feel the most athletic I have felt in years. I do a lot of walking here.

I haven’t driven a car. My television has never been plugged in. It has been nice to not have a barrage of rings and tones from my celly to interrupt what may be.

I have lost the woman I love. And I have fallen in love....

I have made new friends, new memories, and see the new opportunities before me.

I have spent a lot of time in constant self-reflection and analysis. I wish certain choices I have made in the past were not made. But at the same time one could argue that it is because of those choices that I am where I am right now.

Where am I?

In God’s hands. And now you know who I am in love with.

To Live is to Learn

By Charlie Lee

To live is to learn.

To teach is to learn.

To learn it, to use it.

Learn from your model.

Learn from your setback.

Learn from your mistakes.

Make a name for yourself.

Make a demand for yourself.

That’s the way to be a champion.

Dream Big Dreams

This is the first of Charlie Lee's writings. I have pictures of his journal entries on my FB, but I also wanted to share them this way:

Dream big dreams.

Dream beautiful dreams.

Dreams will come true,

if you work hard.

Because a rolling stone

gathers no moss.

You must set your goal.

Then start climbing

higher and higher.

There is nothing impossible

in the world.

That means everything

may happen on earth.

Only try hard, you’ll be

successful in life.

Travel Commandments and Consequences

Friends, Taiwanese, Patriots... lend me your ear.

Over the last couple weeks a few stories have occurred that I must share with you.

If any of you have ever traveled to a foreign country you know a few of the travel commandments. The two that I would like to talk about today are:

Thou shalt not drink from any other water source, than a sealed purified water source.

Honor thy gastrinal intestinal system. (Is that even a word?)

I must confess, I have sinned.

One simple question to a fellow compatriot, “Hey, how about the water here?”

“I drink from the tap,” Eve responded.

And thus my week of “cleansing” began.

Okay, I am a tough guy. I don’t like to admit when I am feeling sick or when anything is bothering me. Like I said, tough guy. Whatever doesn’t kill you just makes you stronger.

Well this last Monday while beginning our new week of camp I set at my computer entering assessment scores when armageddon arrived. I had ignored my previous six days of... how do we say this... ah, yes we shall use schoolhouse lingo... Unplanned Fire Drills. You know the kind where the slightest spark or smell of smoke provokes evacuation.

Are we on the same page here?

Still no? Well, let’s just say that I have a fantasy world and in that fantasy world I abide in girls do not have the same bodily functions that guys do... and then guys proceed to share vivid descriptive war tales with each other about. I know a certain blonde Kentucky WildKitten who dares to infringe on this fantasy world by proclaiming, “It ain’t glitter coming out when I’m in there.”

Yes it is, and now you all know our pet name for that certain bodily function.

Well, my Unplanned Fire Drills had been occurring way too many times a day for the previous six. Mr. Fire Marshall was getting quite peeved. But this was different, I couldn’t even move. The sweats began and my stomach doubled over and nausea was setting in.

I quickly told my boss lady that I wasn’t gonna make it. She understood and gave me leave of absence. I quickly asked the assistance of one of my Taiwanese ladies (yes they are mine) who is the strongest translator. Let’s just call her Jezebel.

We went to the nurse and began the usual “what’s wrong” Q&A that comes with a visit to the school nurse. When Jezebel related that I was having too many Unplanned Fire Drills to count the nurse asked via Jezebel how long this had been going on.

“Six days.”

The look on this nurse’s face was of complete shock. I couldn’t help but think that this couldn’t be that amazing. I am, after all, a westerner in the wrong hemisphere... surely she had heard of this before. But perhaps there was something truly amazing about my gastro-testinal feat. I am immediately concerned.

Nurse lady immediately laid me down on the undersized crib called a bed (have I mentioned that I am a giant here?) and lifts my shirt to rub a cooling mint potion on my abdomen. Next comes a gentle massage on my stomach. I didn’t mind, because I was not feeling well, but again I couldn’t help but think this isn’t normal treatment for my condition.

Jezebel again asked, “How long has this been going on?”

“I’ve had Unplanned Fire Drills for about a week now,” I say out loud.

“Unplanned Fire Drills!” the nurse says in perfect english.

“Yes.”

“Oh!” she blurts out and immediately stops the massage.

Turns out Jezebel got the Chinese translation for “Unplanned Fire Drills” mistaken and the nurse was readying the Bomb Squad light the glitter powder keg in my belly. You see, Jezebel instead translated perfectly that my system had been in Lockdown for a solid week and not one singular pupil had left the building.

Let’s just imagine what might have happened if we didn’t catch that little tidbit that was lost in translation....

I might’ve turned my loaded weapon on Eve and Jezebel for getting me into this situation.

Thankfully disaster was adverted.

Hey mom, I’m making a difference here in Taiwan....

One glitter at a time.

P.S. Just a quick note I shared this with my parents tonight during our weekly Skype date. For those of you who know my mother you know that her greatest gift to the world is her infectious laugh. That laugh is so shrill and violent that it borders along the line of screaming until every last bit of oxygen has left her lungs... until she quickly reloads for another volley. I must admit that this laugh comes more frequently when her own children are in pain. My sister can confirm this.

Long story short, if my mom can laugh at this then you can too. Feel free to share these commandments and consequences with anyone you like.

I know there are some of the Taiwanese staff at the school who still think I didn’t take a dump for a solid week....

I am legend.

Be aware of your surroundings, you may be entertaining angels.

It has been a while. Too long. I miss you guys. We have completed three weeks of school now, and it has been a constant tweaking process as we get used to the schedule and classes. But it seems to be settling in quite nicely now. Long story short. I have been extremely busy.

Three weeks ago I went to Chan Khai Shek Memorial Hall to catch the traveling exhibit “DaVinci The Genius.” A great exhibit about an amazing man. I highly recommend doing anything that has DaVinci involved... but you probably can skip Dan Brown.

I was walking around the museum to Mr. Shek when an older gentlemen walked up and started smiling. He immediately pointed to his cheeks and said “burns, beard.”

This is a common occurrence here when I have my famous racing stripes shaved into my facial hair revealing ginormous lamb chop side-burns and complementary chin strap beard.

I smiled and walked up and said hello. We exchanged pleasant conversation when he told me that he went to school in the U.S. I asked where and he grew a tad sheepish when he said it was a famous school.

“Where?”

“Berkley.”

Wow, this guy was just full of surprises. I told him that I was very aware of UC-Berkley. And asked what he studied there. He has his PhD in Chemistry.

Charlie then asked how I liked being in Taiwan. I love answering this question. The Taiwanese people love to hear you compliment their homeland. And for me, it is easy to do. I love this place and I always have a new compliment to bestow upon my interviewer. The smile and laugh that always accompany are amazing.

There was something intoxicating about Charlie. It sure wasn’t his breath. Perhaps it was his growly voice that required careful attention to decipher the English words coming from deep within his chest. I couldn’t pull myself away from him.

Charlie asked if I would read some of his writings to make sure that the English and punctuation were proper. I obliged and was once again completely taken aback. Inside Charlie’s small journal were pages of wisdom that can only come from a man who has spent 86 years on this planet accumulating it.

There was no editing, it was perfect. I only offered two suggestions on words that would add more punch to his statements.

Closing time came and we were asked to leave the Hall. I stopped and had Charlie help me pick out some postcards to send to my nieces and nephew back home. Charlie proceeded to flirt on my behalf with the lovely Taiwanese ladies working the souvenir stand. Charlie is an excellent wingman.

We walked out of the Hall and started on our journey to his apartment. Charlie suffers from dementia and as a result his way of combating the disease is to continually challenge his mind by writing and learning something new every day. He gets his exercise by walking to the Hall twice a week. This time he had a companion to chat with the way home. And what I learned was amazing.

Charlie was born in mainland China. His father was a high ranking officer in the Red Army. I believe that Charlie came over to Taiwan in the giant move from mainland with Mr. Shek and his followers after being kick out of China. Charlie has nothing good to say about Communism or Mao Zedung. He is a Christian and thus one reason for not liking being oppressed by Communism. He has been married twice, once in mainland, and once here. His wife died about six years ago. And told me about a few of his girlfriends on the side (a very common thing here). His sons are in their 40s and 50s and are here in Taiwan.

After an hour of walking, we arrived at his apartment. I told Charlie this:

“Charlie, I have greatly appreciated this conversation. I want you to know that I needed to hear what you have had to say. God Bless.”

You see what I haven’t revealed to you yet is that in the midst of this hour long walking chat, Charlie himself was not short on the compliments to me.

There are times in your life when you need to hear what others see in you. Kids, my life has been.... difficult the last eight months. I have not had the highest self-esteem, and I have not been myself for long while. I have made mistakes and learned how not to do somethings in the future. And those who are close to me know that I am my own worst enemy. Many of us are.

If the only reason why I came to Taiwan was to run into an 86 year-old Alzheimer's patient and have an unforgettable life experience... thank you, my Dear Lord.

Pay attention to those around you. Let God lead in your life, you will never regret it.

I am going to post pics of Charlie up on Facebook and will share one of his proverbs a day starting tomorrow.

Happy Sabbath. I love you and miss you all.

Gordon Hayward's Last Shot

Years from now, when I see replays... read articles about... or see someone smile when talking about the 2010 NCAA National Championship game I will be able to join in on the reminiscion of what could be the greatest game ever played.

A couple friends and I dragged our weary behinds out of bed at 7am to begin the trek across Taipei on foot, train, and tread. We plopped down at our reserved table in front of a movie theatre sized projection screen and sipped coffee to warm and wake us....

Who am I kidding, the anticipation of what might happen woke me up plenty before the alarm ever did. I knew that this was going to be special. All the coffee did was amp up my already amp uppedness (look it up, it's a word, if not I am writing Webster).

You knew when they appeared on the court. You could hear 65,000 voices charge the air before the cameras ever showed their faces. Have you ever felt your hairs bristle on end before lightning strikes? Same feeling.... You know something life changing is about to happen.

The sportscaster, recognizing the once-in-a-lifetime moment, introduced their names to the crowd with a bravado and confidence that only comes from a home team broadcaster.... except he wasn't. The crowd cheer their approval of the newest bandwagon fan member.

I can only imagine what it felt like to have an entire stadium of 70,000 scream their support in your direction....

The tip came, the battle began, and from the opening moments you knew this was going to be special.... The Devil and the Butler Bulldogs.

Twenty minutes passed, only a one point separated the uncanny pairing.

"This isn't supposed to be happening," I overhear a Taiwanese coed wearing a Devil tee-shirt say to her companion. Minions who go to The Devil's school have a certain smugness that is cross cultural.

"Just listen to that crowd," I interject. I'm sure she enjoyed the uninvited comment of the third guest into her conversation, but she sold her soul to The Devil... I have no sympathies for her or her plight.

As the second half resumed and played out, you could feel it. The Bulldogs weren't going away. "If they could get a stop here... they could turn this thing around." They did. But The Devil pulled another ace from up his sleeve.

"If they can hit some free throws, this thing is within reach." And again The Bulldog answered the call.

With ninety seconds to go not a seat was being used at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, and I was blazing burn marks into the hardwood floors at The Brass Monkey American Sports Pub in Taipei, Taiwan.

Then The Kid took the ball into his own hands and stepped up to square off against The Devil.

The kid took his first shot at The Devil... a high arching impossible floater over the 7 foot minion... that... just... MIGHT!

An inch off. If baseball is the game of inches, basketball just made it's argument to claim that title.

The kid sprung right up off the hardwood. There was more sport to be played and he knew he might have another shot.

The Bulldog played it smart and stopped the clock. The 7-footer went to the line. He hit one to go up 61-59. Two seconds left in the game.

Then The Devil did something I never thought he would ever do.... Tricky Devil. In an attempt to run out the clock he intentionally missed the free-throw! But The Devil didn't put any minions on the lane to get a rebound! He had them get into defensive positioning in the off chance that The Bulldog would get the rebound.

Then the strangest thing happened. Time slowed down.

As the rebound shot off the back of the rim it seemed to careen straight into the outstretched hands of... The KID!

The Kid knew that there wasn't much time, so in one fluid motion he spun around just to see the 7-footer in his way of the target. He crossed right, sprinted two huge steps that screened off another smaller minion and put that ball into his shooting hand and let it fly....

Have you ever heard 70,000 people collectively gasp?

Those who had the right angle, who lined up the shot directly from The Kid's hand to the goal, they began to shout! They knew that this shot was perfectly on line!

THE KID DID IT! He knocked out the devil! The jubilation began to unfurl!

But it was just a tad premeditated.

You see, there were 70,000 and one in attendance that night that collectively gasped when that shot arched through the sky. Except one gasped for another reason.

It seems The Devil let out a puff just strong enough to send that shot sailing just an inch too far for it to fall through the hoop.

No one heard it, because just as the ball got close to the goal, that puff was masked by the blaring of the horn.

The Kid just stood there and looked at the rim.

He did what no one ever had attempted... he took his shot at The Devil.

And just like that.... poof.... He was gone.